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If there were a place for a subtitle, it would read “That I actually sat though.”

I thought this week I’d change it up a bit and talk about the the things I don’t like.

Usually I have a twenty minute rule when it comes to movies. This rule varies depending on the type of movie I am watching. If it is a comedy and within the first twenty minutes I haven’t laughed at the jokes but found myself rolling my eyes, I turn it off. If it’s a scary movie and within the first twenty minutes I’m not terrified but morally offended, I turn it off. If it’s a sci-fi or fantasy movie and within the first twenty minutes I’m groaning at the “science”/”super power”/”insert something fantasy here” because of the sheer audacity of it, I turn it off. And always, always, always: no matter how far into the movie I’ve gotten, if the dog get’s it I’m done. (This is why I don’t watch much Stephen King. The dog always gets it.)

You see, my free time is precious to me. I’m not going to waist it by watching a movie that makes me unhappy. Movies are here to entertain us, not bore us or offend us.

And that leads me to the top five movies that I hated from the very beginning and still sat through. I’ll warn you now, this post contains spoilers, so if you haven’t seen these movies and are planning on doing so, stop now.

5. The Anchorman

Normally I just stay away from anything that Will Farrell touches. I am not a fan. I find nothing about him amusing.

But, as is often the case, I was dating a guy that loved this movie. And he would watch it. A lot.

Now, I will admit to laughing once maybe twice, but it had nothing to do with anything Will Farrell said or did. One moment I found particularly amusing was when Tim Robins appeared for a street brawl. Seeing Tim Robins made me happy and reminded me that I was, in fact, human.

But really, I find nothing about this movie funny in anyway. Maybe it’s not my style. I don’t like Will Farrell and I don’t like Steve Carrell. And both of them are in this movie, making this not something that I ever want to experience again anytime soon.

4. Dune

Maybe I’m a purest, but I was totally let down by this movie. And I tried so hard to like it, because I know that Frank Herbert  was so pleased by its creation. I really gave it all I had, but by the end, when it rained I couldn’t stop myself from screaming, “THAT NEVER HAPPENED!!!”

The guy playing Paul was just…just…awful. The only good thing about this movie is Sting was Feyd!

And while I’m pulling a lot of this movie from my memory (and imdb) I can’t  recall a single thing about it that was in any way accurate to the book other than the names of characters and the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen. That’s it! I understand that taking a book and making it a movie is a difficult and sometimes impossible task. They can’t all be The Lord of the Rings, but did David Lynch even read the first chapter? Couldn’t he at least have tried?

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I mean really, what did we expect with after the Star Wars prequels, right? But we’ll chat about those in a minute.

This one started off with so much promise. There was the Indy we all knew and loved, and while he was a little bit older and rougher around the edges the first sequence was pretty decent.

Shia LaBeouf is a pretty decent actor and I was pretty excited to see him play Indiana’s son.

We were even promised Marion Ravenwoon, which was a fantastic treat I was really looking forward to. Instead, about half way through the movie the proverbial shark was jumped only to leave us with a feeling of utter embarrassment for not only Harrison Ford, but for the entire Indiana Jones franchise. There were moments of fun, but the moment that legitimate aliens were in the picture was the moment that I lost all sense of self.

And forgive me for asking what could be considered a stupid question, but didn’t Marcus Brody and Dr. Jones, Sr drink from the Holy Grail that is supposed to give eternal life? I wasn’t imagining that, was I? So why were they dead? Now, before you get all theological on me and say something like “It’s eternal life in Heaven,” can we just pretend that suspension of disbelief is a real thing that movies can use if its done right? Forget not the tale of Walter Donovan! “The true Grail will bring you life. A false Grail will take it from you.” If the Holy Grail grants eternal life to anyone who drinks from it, how could we not get Sean Connery back to reprise his role? My guess is that he read the script and suddenly had something better to do.

2. Star Wars, Episodes 1 – 3

Yes, technically these are three movies, but they are all the same steaming pile of garbage. I’m sorry folks, but these were terrible and I think most of you will probably agree.

Forget about the flashy effects and all the pretty things  George Lucas managed to cram into each and every single shot of these movies to keep you from realizing you were experiencing a hemorrhagic stroke. Forget about how I should just “get over it, it’s just a movie.” You can take Jar-Jar and shove that cartoon rabbit somewhere unpleasant. These movies were terrible.

It wasn’t just that Lucas took something so wonderful and important from my childhood and then crushed it like my hopes and dreams of ever becoming an astronaut. It was because these movies, plain and simple, are horribly written. The dialogue makes no sense, sometimes I’m certain that the characters aren’t even speaking English. And yes, I checked. The English setting on my DVD player was on. In fact, not only did I get these movies on DVD, I watched them in the movie theater. All three of them. And for some reason that I can’t possibly comprehend I still needed to go out and get them on DVD. Maybe it was to make sure it wasn’t just a bad dream.

Let’s pretend for a second that the kids George Lucas claims he was writing these movies for actually understand trade agreements and congress and government. Someone explain to me why the Jedi even care? Ok, ok, sure: make a case that the Jedi vowed to protect the peace and sanctity of life and that people on Nabu are starving. Show me one scene, no make that one frame, in episode one that shows the plight of the common Nabu citizen in need. If you can find that for me, then I can produce a rocket launcher out of a hat. Instead, there’s a monotone queen with a ridiculous haircut inspired by Geisha (poorly) who doesn’t actually have any power that I can surmise whatsoever.

And I’m just getting started!

When we finally meet Anakin Skywalker we’re totally flabbergasted by the child presented before us. We are supposed to suspend our disbelief long enough to think that this kid can not only race but win. And then we are presented with one of the biggest slaps in the face George Lucas could dowel out: that this child is the maker of C-3PO? This kid can’t act his way out of a paper bag, let alone create a protocol droid from scratch?

And then later, because George Lucas must think his fans are total idiots, we’re supposed to believe that this child grows up and Padme doesn’t age a day. As Han Solo would say: “Yea! SURE!”

There’s no growth to the character of Anakin. He only gets whiner and more emo as the movies go on until eventually the dark side of the force takes over his already corrupt and sad soul.

He has some of the most insulting lines in the entire series. Like, “I don’t like the sand. It’s hard and course and gets everywhere. Not like you.”

NOT LIKE YOU!?!?! What does that even mean?

And this atrocity went on and on and broke the hearts and souls of millions of Star Wars fans across the galaxy. There will come a day when our children’s children look back on the ruin that was our society and even they will manage to disown these movies.

And if you’re really interested in a much more thorough and in-depth review of these three movies, I highly suggest Red Letter Media. Take the rest of your Saturday analyzing exactly why these movies suck. (Viewer discretion is advised due to strong language and mature subject matter present by Red Letter Media.)

I can only hope that J.J. Abrams can bring some light and love back to the series when he directs Episode 7. Because really, when our hopes and dreams hit such an all-time low, there’s really nowhere else to go but up.

1. The Human Centipede

This movie was not supposed to make it passed the twenty minute rule. I really didn’t want it to, but it was like a brutal train accident that you just couldn’t look away from.

If you have seen it and liked it then I’m convinced that there is something terribly wrong with you and I suggest seeking professional help. While my intention is not to offend anyone here, I hope you understand my intention is not to offend but to let you know that I am deeply concerned for your mental health.

If you haven’t seen it and think you may be curious about it, let me sum it up for you: Two young ladies are driving somewhere then their car breaks down or something. They go on a hike in the woods in their high heels (which always ends badly) and end up knocking on the door of a mad scientist because that what you do. They ask to use the phone only to be drugged and then tied to a hospital bed in this guys basement. Eventually a Japanese male is added to the medical ward and that’s when the mad scientist reveals his brilliant plan of connecting the three people together surgically, mouth to somewhere very unpleasant, and thus forming the human centipede. Of course, because this is a horror film, the mad scientist does just that. He tries to teach them tricks and acts as though they are his pet. Eventually the three figure out how to work together to escape and, of course, fail miserably ultimately resulting in the demise of all three of them and the mad scientist. So nothing gets resolved leaving you with a feeling of deep violation.

Of course that is a seriously abridged version of the atrocities I witnessed while watching this movie. The worst part is, I wasn’t even forced to watch this movie because I was stuck somewhere without a ride, because I would never actually pay money to see this in the theaters. Nope, I was home and it was on Netflix. My husband and I said “Well, we’ll give it twenty minutes and if we’re totally disgusted we’ll turn it off.” We were disgusted, that’s for sure, but we somehow totally forgot about the twenty minute rule. By the time we realized that we were both of the verge of losing our lunch it was already too late. We had made it almost an hour into the movie and there was no going back. Once a movie actually passes the twenty minute rule, either by being decent or by total accident, it must be finished. And so it was. And I regretted every second of that time that I will never get back.

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